You don’t know who you are, but you’re about to. You don’t know how much your opinion matters to me, but you will soon enough. You are a part of my life. You’re my family, my friend, and my co-worker. No matter which of these categories you fall into, know that everything you do or say to me can either build me up or tear me down.
If you’ve ever had any sort of impact on my life, know that I will think about you frequently for the rest of my life. Good or bad I will remember. Every memory, good or bad, I will remember. But remember that I suffer from neurotic guilt, so I’m more likely to remember the bad times more than the good times. Not because we had more of them, but because I feel horrible that I couldn’t make it turn out better.
If you’re close to me, your opinion of me matters more than you know, because I will never let on that I’m more concerned about your feelings than mine. Which means, that while you’ve already forgotten what we talked about a month ago, I will remember it years down the road. Remember that the argument that we got into yesterday will haunt my thoughts a year from now.
If you’ve ever earned my trust enough for me to allow you to embrace me in a hug, remember that not only will I remember every time we’ve wrapped our arms around each other, I will also remember every time I needed a hug and you wouldn’t give me one.
If ever you made fun of me, tried to bring me down, or turned your back on me, I’ll remember that forever. I could be almost asleep and suddenly be reminded of something hurtful you said or did. Then I will spend the rest of my time awake thinking of ways I could have changed the outcome. I will think of all the ways I could have made you have a different opinion of me and I will think of every possible way I could have changed the way you treated me.
If we were ever close and then the relationship fell apart, know that I will take full blame for it. Even if it wasn’t fully my fault, I will blame myself for years after, because I obviously didn’t try hard enough to make you happy.
I couldn’t make you happy. That’s what it boils down to. If you’re a part of my life, no matter how big or small, I will try my best to make you happy. You and every other person around me. The unfortunate fact of life is, however, that one person can’t make everyone happy. I can try as hard as possible and I will never be able to accomplish that for everyone in my life. I can try as hard as possible and I will never be able to make everyone in my life happy. One decision I make to accommodate one person’s happiness has the potential to make someone else very unhappy. But I won’t ever stop trying.
If I love you, remember that words said in anger will hurt me for more than just a couple of days. Those words will cut like a knife for months. Just because I don’t mention it doesn’t mean that I don’t still think about it. If I love you and you ever push me away, remember that just because you may have been having a bad day, I will always remember feeling rejected. Remember that from then on, to protect my own feelings, I will probably let you approach me first.
I can’t remember what I had for breakfast but I can remember the past like a vivid dream from the night before. That means, if I made a mistake, I don’t need you to remind me of it. Odds are it will periodically tear me apart for years to come. I may never mention it again, but that doesn’t mean my brain won’t torture me with the memories.
I don’t need people to walk on glass around me. What I need is for those in my life to understand that my thoughts are a curse. I need people to understand that God made me a certain way and I haven’t figured out why yet. What I need is for those I love and associate myself with to understand that no matter how distant we become and no matter how hard I try, your opinion will always matter.